*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it