@rickolantern: *buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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@patrickoriley: It's weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
@MarlonBrandNO: I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
@iamburtjarvis: [2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@randomlawless: My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to "work her core." I'm eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. I win.