I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Life hack
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.