[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You Might Also Like
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
#SuperBowl
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride