*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.