NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My wife gives the best headache.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.