*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.