I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.