until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.