[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
i can’t wait that long
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.