[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Pass gas, not judgment.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.