[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*