“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!