@myonlymizztake: *Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there's anything good in there*
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@Marlebean: They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate... *walks up to guy in minivan* "Sup?"
@CaptOblivious1: I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes
@DropsNoPanties: Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month? Me: Ridiculous! I won't pay it! B: here's your coffee. $12.32 M: thank you
@oscarewilde: doctor: do you have any questions? me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette? doctor: i meant about your antidepressants