*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Breaking news:
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!