*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.