*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
the Monday after daylight savings
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente