[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.