*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.