*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.