Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Not today.. 😂
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?