A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Real House Wines.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.