Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
socratic questions
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.