Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
next level snooze
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs