Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?