Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine