In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I falcon love using swear birds
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things