By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
You Might Also Like
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
When they try to steal your moment.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE