By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
no regrets
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.