By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
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You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!