By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I found your tweet-up…
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait