By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My dad teaching me to drive
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom