[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?