By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Wait for it
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone