By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
the three branches of government
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.