Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.