I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now