I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If you know, you know
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”