By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs