*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac