By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.