By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I am also baked goods
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Finally!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Can’t stop laughing
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.