Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…