By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?