By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?