@TJ_Whitehead: By my calculations, I've spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
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@rachelle_mandik: HIM: If you're upset that people think you're weird, have you tried being less weird? ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
@qwertying: I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife. *wife phones* Wife: What you doing? Husband: Missing you.
@ericsshadow: This is Eric's wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
@Black__Elvis: I'm romantic so I treat my girlfriend to a candlelight dinner every night, plus she's getting fat and candlelight has like zero calories.