“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?