“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!