@brendohare: By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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@deardilettante: If I were Cinderella, I wouldn't have settled for a guy who couldn't even remember what my face looked like.
@buhsbaby_baby: Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
@joeljeffrey: [Eating] Waiter: How's the meal? Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ...
@shesananteater: Cathy on FB is "feeling annoyed" and is asking why people even own cell phones if they're not gonna answer. Can I tell her? Pleeease.