@brendohare: By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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@JIMBOSWELT: I see ur bio says 'Medical Intern'. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it's infected. It is right?
@danorslim: Me: You wanna have sex tonight? GF: I'm not in the mood babe. Me: Hold on a second. I'm on the phone.
@TheAlexNevil: 6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me? *I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can't remember my son's name
@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops