By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
oh my gosh!!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them