@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Sarcasticsapien: I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.
@LoveYoorFate: When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now.
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@TheBoydP: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.