By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.