@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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@MariyaAlexander: [trying to make friends as an adult] May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
@LlamaInaTux: Cop: have you been drinking tonight? Me: no sir Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
@theshamingofjay: When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? - just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings