@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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@nealbrennan: People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
@Adar79Angie: I let friend's kid call my ex & say "Are you really my daddy?" while I'm in the background yelling "hang up the phone,he doesn't want you!"
@JustinGuarini: The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance's baby is doing all day everyday day.