@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] HER: I love sports! ME: Uh…me too HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
@SketchesbyBoze: BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
@flashember: [Excavation for dino bones] DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG! DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I'll finish up
@stockejock: When life hands you gators, make Gatorade...just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.