By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?